Last Seat on the Bus
by RedMacaque
Summary: Butters and Cartman get kicked off a bus. Slash.


Cartman snickered as he kicked pebbles off the side of the road at Butters, who was walking a few foot ahead of him. He didn't notice until Cartman managed to fling a large one at his leg. "Ow!" He turned to look around, thinking that someone had thrown something out a vehicle at him again. That had happened an unmentionable number of times already, and he was getting pretty sick and tired of it. It seemed like truck drivers would always fling things out their windows at him, he never really knew why.

The fatter boy stifled a laugh at Butters' ignorance. The second Butters turned his back again, he continued kicking up rocks at him. This time though, Butters caught sight of it. He turned to meet Cartman with surprise.

"It was that truck!" Cartman yelled, pointing towards the road as he disguised a grin. "Nuh uh, there are no trucks around!" the other boy shouted. He tried to punch Cartman in the arm, but only got one wimpy hit in before the fat boy pushed past him and ran to the bus stop.

Butters hauled after him slowly, sighing as he reached the stop. "You know what? I'm starting to think it was _you_ throwin' things all those times! You tricked me, saying it was other people!" he stated matter-of-factly.

"You sure do catch on fast, Butters." Cartman replied sarcastically.

"Hey, well that's not nice!" Butters complained.

"Duh." Cartman pulled at the gloves on his hands, trying to fit them over his chubby fingers.

Butters dropped a backpack on the ground with another sigh. Another one, his own, was strapped to his back. "Well, can you take your bag now?" he asked impatiently. After carrying it all the way back from the grubby "Taco Hell" they worked at, he was pretty beat.

"I _guess_." Cartman grumbled, throwing the bag next to where he sat. Butters had to stand, of course, because Cartman took up the entire bench. "God, I wish they had more freakin' buses in this town! I hate having to walk a half mile every day." he complained, folding his arms over his fat belly.

Butters rolled his eyes. Afterall, _he_ was the one who had to carry Eric's stuff back and forth every day. And the only reason he did so was because he was nice. _Too_ nice, apparently. He never expected to end up carrying two bags every day, but somehow that's just how things turned out.

Cartman could tell from his expression what Butters was thinking. "Whats wrong? You don't like being my little pack mule?" he said with a smirk.

"No, not really." Butters mumbled.

"Aww. Would you like a carrot?" Cartman taunted.

"No." Butters growled.

"How about a sugarcube?" he continued.

"No I don't want a sugarcube!" Butters shouted, growing annoyed. "I just wanna go home, I'm tired!"

"What a freakin pussy!" the plump boy retorted.

Butters ignored him and looked down at his watch. It was now 6:56PM, and the bus was supposed to have come 4 minutes ago.

They continued to wait for another 3 minutes. Cartman occupied himself with a candy bar while Butters fidgeted around with his shoelaces.

If there was one thing that Butters hated, it was the stupid 6:52 bus. It always arrived late, full of stinky people and no empty seats left. Cartman and him would always have a race to see who could get on first, because occasionally there would be a single spot left. This time though, Butters was prepared be the first. He made sure his shoelaces were tight and his backpack was strapped on good.

No siree, he wasn't going to lose to the fatass again.

When the bus finally came, he bolted towards it in a hurry, but Cartman pushed him aside before he could even get through the door. Before Butters could push back, Cartman had already budged his way in. "Aw, son of a biscuit!" he yelled. Cartman stuck his tongue out and paid his fare, taking a seat in the very last empty seat available. Or the last two seats, to be more specific.

Butters mumbled to himself as he took out his money and threw it into the machine. _Stupid, cheatin' no good sonuvuh! _He grabbed onto the nearest pole as the bus pulled away.

"That was unfair!" he spat at Cartman, who was sitting comfortably in front of him. Cartman didn't even look up, yawning from his seat. "_Losers weepers_." he snickered.

"I didn't lose, I got to the bus first, you cheater!" Butters argued back.

Cartman yawned again, seemingly uninterested in Butters' pity parade. "Yeah, yeah, whatever."

Butters gave Cartman the silent treatment from then on, tuning his gaze out the window as they passed the snowy roads and small buildings. He ended up counting all the red cars he saw to pass the time. This proved quite difficult, seeing as the roads were nearly empty.

Cartman tried to avert his gaze several times, but Butters was standing in front of him, blocking the view. Somehow, sitting on the bus wasn't very comfortable when you have someone else's crotch up eye level with your face. He shifted around in his seat inconspicuously, trying to scoot away, but this only proved futile.

He coughed, attempting to get the other's attention. "Uhh, Butters, would you mind?"

"What?" the other boy snarled, still mad about losing his seat. Meanwhile he was totally oblivious to the awkward "situation" he had up in Cartman's face.

"Just, come on!" Cartman snapped, gesturing at the lack of personal space he had been given.

"What is it, Eric?" Butters looked down at him naively.

"Ugh. Nevermind!" He folded his arms over his chest, attempting to avert his gaze once more. Butters went back to counting nonexistant cars.

_God dammit, _Cartman thought to himself.

He shook his head, trying to shake some of the "unclean" thoughts out of his mind._ Oh no, I'm not thinking that__._ He tried to reason with the irrational thoughts. _Butters is a dweeb..there is NO way I am thinking about that!_

_...Still, I bet he'd look better if he weren't wearing that bigass coat. _Cartman quickly covered his mouth, afraid that he might start thinking aloud if he didn't stop himself now.

"What's a matter, Eric? You look like you seen a ghost." Butters said with a chuckle. By now, he had backed up a bit. _Thank God._

Cartman fidgeted in his seat. "Nothing, you dork. I was just..I just saw something weird over there." he bluffed, pointing to the window across from him.

"Well what was it?" Butters asked, turning around to look. His backpack hit Cartman square in the face as he spun around, causing a hard blow to the cheek. "Ow! Godammit!" Cartman yelled, shoving Butters and his bookbag away.

"W-uh, sorry!" Butters apologized profusely as he tried to regain his balance. He stumbled and grabbed the pole for support, but fell backwards after the driver made a sharp turn. He toppled right over and crashed into Cartman, nearly crushing and busting his face with his backpack in the process. Cartman yelped in pain.

"Get off of me, you douchebag!" he yelled in a muffle, having Butters' bag crush his face. "Gee whiz, I'm sorry." Butters scrambled to get up, but the momentum and movement of the bus kept him down.

"Ugh, I can't get up. I'm beat." he huffed.

"Well get your stupid bag outta my face!" Cartman spat, squirming from underneath his "friend". He wasn't sure what was going on in his mind at that point.

Butters swung the bag off his shoulders and dropped it on the floor with a loud thud. It must have had about 50 pounds of books in it. From his everyday naive and dumb behavior, nobody would have guessed it.

"That's better." he said grinning at Cartman, who was growing evidently uncomfortable with their seating arrangement. His cheek and jaw were very red from being smashed in the face with a load of textbooks.

"Butters, you're still crushing me to death. Get away!" he muttered.

"Geez, I'm not _that_ heavy!" Butters retorted.

"Yes you are! Just go sit somewhere else!" Cartman complained, looking around for an empty seat. Nope, they were all full.

Butters sighed. "I really can't get up, I'm stuck!" he shifted around, trying to lift himself off the seat. Everything was all wobbly, and he just wanted to go home.

"_People are going to think we're queer, Butters!_" Cartman whispered, looking directly away.

Butters paused, looked around the bus, and then chuckled. "What, like that guy over there?"

"What guy?" Cartman glanced at the other passengers. There was a middle-aged man sitting a few seats away, and he was staring at them intently. He held a mean gaze and didn't make any attempt to look away, even when he saw them both staring back.

Cartman looked up at Butters, who shrugged. "Looks like he's givin' us the evil eye."

Cartman snickered. He had the perfect plan. "Oh really?" he gave the man an evil eye back.

Then he petted the top of Butters' hair, causing Butters to raise an eyebrow and back away. "Wwhat are you doing?" he stuttered.

"Making him think we're _queer_." Cartman said with a glint in his eye. He tangled his fingers around Butters' tuff of blonde hair, fluffing it about. Sure enough, the older man looked slightly disturbed, but kept watching them regardless.

Butters tilted his head, attempting to pry Cartman's hand away. "Why the heck would you want to do that?"

"Because it's funny, now just go along with it!" Cartman whispered. He really just wanted to annoy Butters, even more so than the weirdo creep watching them. And it seemed to be working, since Butters looked like a delicious mix of confused, disgusted and fearful all at once. Cartman just _loved _seeing that expression on people's faces. Making people feel uncomfortably embarassed was his purpose in life.

Cartman didn't expect Butters to _actually _go along with it. He wanted him to freak out and jump away, since that was the only way he'd get his damn seat back. But instead, he felt Butters slide a hand up and around his arm. And by the smile creeping across Butters' face, Cartman could tell he was doing it out of spite. He wrapped another hand around his neck, and then planted a big sloppy kiss on his cheek. Cartman twitched in anger.

Butters let go of him and nearly broke into laughter, trying his best to keep a "straight" face. Cartman furrowed his eyebrows. Was this a joke on_ him_? Was Butters _really_ that gay? Or was he just trying to steal his own idea and turn the tables on him? Butters smiled and patted his head. "We're almost home, _sweetums_." he said in a high pitched voice.

They were interrupted by a much harsher voice. "Little faggots need to get off the bus!" the man spat. Not surprisingly, it was the same man who'd been staring at them all the while. Another person turned around to stare at them too, and before they knew it, the whole bus was looking at them. Even the _bus driver _turned around to cast a strange glance. Butters' smirk quickly faded.

"Why are they lookin' at us?" he whispered frantically into Cartman's ear. Cartman just rolled his eyes. "Because dumbass, they want to see more."

He pulled Butters down by his jacket collar and smashed his lips against him, leaving no time for protest. In fact he wasn't even entirely sure how to kiss; he just pushed his own mouth onto Butters'. Butters was just as clueless of a kisser. But he had already made them both look stupid, and Cartman wasn't going to let him get away with it without embarassing him back. A few of the passengers gasped, as though they had never seen such a thing before. Someone even threw a magazine in their direction, but missed.

Cartman's molestering kiss didn't last 5 seconds as the bus came to a halting stop. Butters fell off his lap from the sudden force, his hands scraping the dirty bus aisle floor as he hit. He nervously scrambled to pick himself back up, wiping off his mouth in a grimace.

The driver stood up from her seat and looked at both of them coldy. "Get off my bus right now!" she yelled crudely, approaching both of them. "Off!" She grabbed Cartman by the sleeve and pulled him towards the door. All of the passengers watched as the two boys were personally "escorted" off the bus by the driver, for none other reason than looking gay. A few passengers raised their eyebrows at the scene. The two boys were left stranded on the side of the road as the door slid shut with a squeak. Nothing but icy cold winds roared through the air, so much for South Park being a "friendly and tolerable" town, as the mayor would put it.

"Bitch!" Cartman yelled in a rage, giving her the finger as the bus took off. "Suck my balls! You heard me!"

They both stood there incrediously, shivering in the weather as the bus pulled away. It was now close to nightfall, and home was still a good walk away. Butters mumbled something angrily as he trudged through the slushy snow. He tried to pull his hood up, but the cold wind only knocked it back down.

Cartman quickened his pace and caught up to him, watching his icy breath come out in pants. He patted Butters on the back. "Well, well, Butters. I always knew you were a fag." He snickered, his voice flooded with arrogance.

Butters eyes widened, and he looked horrified. "Wuh-Now I aint no fag, Eric, I was only just messin! Besides, what was that kiss for?" He shook his head, trying not to think about how he sorta _liked_ being kissed by his fat slob of a friend, as short of a kiss as it was. Then again, it was cold out, and his thoughts were all a jumbled mess anyway. He could only pray that he wouldn't be getting grounded when he got home for looking cold.

"Yeah, right." Cartman replied sarcastically, shoving his hands in his pockets. "I was only _just messin',_ too."

* * *

_Thanks for reading, even though it was kinda lame! haha! If you actually read all that, I love you!_


End file.
